Men and Dogs

How dogs and men are the same:
1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
7. Neither does any dishes.
8. Both fart shamelessly.
9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
10. Both like dominance games.
11. Both are suspicious of the postman.
12. Neither understands what you see in cats.
 

How dogs are better than men:
1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you except fetch (and they never laugh at how you
    throw).
7. You can train a dog.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas (okay really the worst
    disease you can get from them is rabies but there's a vaccine for it and you can
    kill the one that gives it to you).
10.Dogs understand what "no" means.
11.Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY:

Day 183 of My Captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and  the mild scolding I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.

Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair, must try this on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was.  Hmmm, not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

     If Dogs Sent Letters to God

Dear God,
Why do humans  smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear  God,
When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Dear God,
Why are there cars  named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog?  How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?

Dear God,
If a dog  barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God,
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields,and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God,
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God,
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God,
Are there mailmen  in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear  God,
Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog:

 - I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or
   after they throw it up.
 - I will not roll on dead  seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.,
   just because I like the way they smell.
 - I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter
   box; although they are tasty, they are not food.
 - The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
 - The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and
    Dad's laps.
 - The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
 - My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
 - I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches
    in for Mom's driver's license and registration.
 - I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear
    when he's on the toilet.
 - Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an
    acceptable way of saying 'hello.'
 - I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when
    I'm lying under the coffee table.
 - I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE
    entering the  house.
 - I will not throw up in the car.
 - I will not come in from outside and immediately drag
    my butt across the carpet.
 - I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick
    my crotch when company is over.
 - The cat is not a  squeaky toy; so when I play with
    him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good
    thing.

Dear God,
 May I have  my testicles back?

A BACHELOR'S DISHWASHER

If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to
remove the sports section

Buy a dog.

If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you

Buy a dog.

If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother made it

Buy a dog

If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want

Buy a dog.

If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't give a shit about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies

Buy a dog.

If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores

Buy a dog.

If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually

Buy a dog.


But, on the other hand, If you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness...........

Then my friend,   Buy a cat!
(You thought I was talking about men didn't you!)

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