A Dog's Life

3 Labrador Retrievers (chocolate, yellow and black) are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation. The black lab turns to the chocolate and says, "So why are you here?"

He replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything -- the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black lab says,"So what is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna give me Prozac", came the reply from the chocolate lab."All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything."

He then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?" The yellow lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I crossed the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.

"Looks like Prozac for me too", the dejected yellow lab said.

The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for. "I'm a humper", the black lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."

The yellow and chocolate labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?"

The black lab says, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

TOP TEN REASONS WHY DOGS ARE BETTER PETS THAN CATS:

1. Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will
    ignore you and take a nap.
2. Cats look silly on a leash.
3. When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats
    will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place.
4. Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die.Cats will make you pay
   for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.
5. A dog knows when you're sad. And he'll try to comfort you. Cats don't care how
    you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is.
6. Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in your slippers.
7. When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to you. Cats have
    to have their own private basket, or they won't go at all.
8. Dogs will come when you call them. And they'll be happy. Cats will have someone
    take a message and get back to you.
9. Dogs will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing cats will play with all day
    long are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like they're in pain.
10.Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back
    door.

 

          Where "morning breath" comes from
MIND GAMES DOGS PLAY WITH HUMANS

2. Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)

3. Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. When the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.

4. Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go 'pee', sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.

5. Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go 'poo'. Take your time, and roo when you're done to make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag to clean it up.

6. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.

7. Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.

8. Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).

9. When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.

10. Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts!).

10.There's potpourri hanging from his/her collar.
9. The dog's nails have been cut with pinking shears.
8. The dog toys are all stored in McCoy crocks.
7. The pooper scooper has been decorated with raffia bows.
6. That telltale lemon slice in the new silver water bowl.
5. You find liver and whole wheat dog treats stamped out with copper cookie cutters and
    decorated with royal icing using a #2 rosette tip.
4. Dog hair has been collected and put into wire baskets for nesting material for the birds.
3. A seasonally appropriate grapevine wreath adorns the front of your dog's crate.
2. Your dog goes outside naked and comes in wearing a thyme colored virgin wool hand-knitted
    sweater with matching boots.

AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY YOU KNOW THAT MARTHA STEWART IS STALKING YOUR DOG IS...

Mom say's, "No, because the dog is in heat"

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your farther.  I think he is in the garage"

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block?  I asked Mom,
but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you"

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here" He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the
dog's backside with it and said, "okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only
go one time around the block" The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with NO DOG on the leash. 
Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is
pushing her home".

NEVER GIVE YOUR DOG BEER !!!!


God & Dog

On the first day of creation, God created the dog.

On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.

On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.

On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.

On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.

On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.

On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.

HOLIDAY ETIQUETTE FOR DOGS

1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They
   may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will
   appreciate long comforting dog leans.

2. They may come home with large bags of things they call
   gifts. Do  not assume that all the gifts are yours.

3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem
   to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look
   with fake antlers.

4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a
    prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations.
    Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for
    your humans, so there are some things you need to know:
    - - don't pee on the tree
    - - don't drink water in the container that holds the tree
    - - mind your tail when you are near the tree
    - - if there are packages under the tree, even ones that
         smell interesting or that have your name on them,- don't
         rip them open!
    - - don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking
         hole in the wall to the tree

5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come
   visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but
   they also call for some discretion on your part:
   - - not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans
   - - don't eat off the buffet table
   - - beg for goodies subtly
   - - be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa
   - - don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach.

6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your
    manners will also be important:
   - -observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other
       people's houses.
   - - respect the territory of other animals that may live in the
       house
   - -tolerate children
   - -turn on your charm big time.

7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may
   emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night...
   DO NOT BITE HIM!!

Doggie Dictionary

LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.

SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "sit !", especially if your person is  for an evening out.  Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require.....especially effective when combined with The Sniff.  See above.

LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.

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