PUPPY'S 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS

On the first day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
The angel from the top of the tree.

On the second day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Two broken bulbs
And the angel from the top of the tree.

On the third day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Three opened presents
Two broken bulbs
And the angel from the top of the tree.

On the fourth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Four crumpled cards
Three opened presents
Two broken bulbs
And the angel from the top of the tree.

On the fifth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Five shredded stockings
Four crumpled cards
Three opened presents
Two broken bulbs
And the angel from the top of the tree.

On the sixth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Six wreaths a-fraying
Five shredded stockings
Four crumpled cards
Three opened presents
Two broken bulbs
And the angel from the top of the tree.

On the seventh day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Seven yards of ribbon
Six wreaths a-fraying
Five shredded stockings
Four crumpled cards
Three opened presents
Two broken bulbs
And the angel from the top of the tree.

On the eighth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Eight slept-on silk things
Seven yards of ribbon
Six wreaths a-fraying
Five shredded stockings
Four crumpled cards
Three opened presents
Two broken bulbs
And the angel from the top of the tree.

On the ninth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Nine chewed up candles
Eight slept-on silk things
Seven yards of ribbon
Six wreaths a-fraying
Five shredded stockings
Four crumpled cards
Three opened presents
Two broken bulbs
And the angel from the top of the tree.

On the tenth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Ten bubble lights a-leaking
Nine chewed up candles
Eight slept-on silk things
Seven yards of ribbon
Six wreaths a-fraying
Five shredded stockings
Four crumpled cards
Three opened presents
Two broken bulbs
And the angel from the top of the tree.

On the eleventh day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Eleven strands of wiring
Ten bubble lights a-leaking
Nine chewed up candles
Eight slept-on silk things
Seven yards of ribbon
Six wreaths a-fraying
Five shredded stockings
Four crumpled cards
Three opened presents
Two broken bulbs
And the angel from the top of the tree.

On the twelfth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Twelve puppy kisses and I forgot all about the other eleven days.



DOG LETTERS TO GOD

Dear God,
How come people love to smell flowers,
but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Where are their priorities?

Dear God,
When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch?
Or is it the same old story?

Dear God,
If a dog barks his head off in the forest
and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God,
If we come back as humans, is that good or bad?

Dear God,
When we get to the Pearly Gates,
do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God,
Are there mailmen in Heaven?
If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God,
When my family eats dinner
they always bless their food.
But they never bless mine.
So, I've been wagging my tail extra fast
when they fill my bowl. Have you noticed my own blessing?

Top Ten Reasons Why It's Great To Be A Dog

1. If it itches, you can reach it. And no matter where it itches, no one will be
    offended if you scratch it in public.

2. No one notices if you have hair growing in weird places as you get older.

3. Personal hygiene is a blast: No one expects you to take a bath every day, and 
    you don't even have to comb your own hair.

4. Having a wet nose is considered a sign of good health.

5. No one thinks less of you for passing gas. Some people might actually think you're
   cute.

6. Who needs a big home entertainment system? A bone or an old shoe can entertain
    you for hours.

7. You can spend hours just smelling stuff.

8. No one ever expects you to pay for lunch or dinner. You never have to worry
    about table manners, and if you gain weight, it's someone else's fault.

9. It doesn't take much to make you happy. You're always excited to see the same
   old people. All they have to do is leave the room for five minutes and come back.

10. Every garbage can looks like a cold buffet to you.

Dear Dog,

Since you seem to have so much trouble processing the English language no matter how loudly it is spoken to you, I thought perhaps I could communicate with you more effectively if I wrote down my thoughts.

First, please allow me to assure you that you are not starving.  In fact, if the newspapers bothered to publish those irritating "body-mass indices" that my wife so delights in reading aloud to me, I'm sure that we would discover that you have far more waddle in your walk than is strictly necessary.

The way you visually track each bite of food I take, with trembling expression of frantic pleading is most annoying. I realize you've been fed by the children at the table, but only when it's been I, and not my wife, who has been cooking, which rarely happens now that we've discovered pizza delivery.

Speaking of walks, we've been taking the same route around the same block for nine years. For you to sob, whine and tremble every time I get out your leash is just crazy.

And would you please stop rolling in road kill? Dead animals smell like--well like dead fish. There's a reason I give you a bath every single time you roll in something -- it is NOT coincidence.

Here's a news flash: Our next door neighbors LIVE THERE. They have a right to be in their own yard! Stop barking at them through our windows! Your crazed fury is especially irritating in view of the fact that when you actually encounter them you flop on your back and let them rub your tummy. As a guard dog, you're about as intimidating as a gerbil.

The following are not digestible: balloons,crayons,socks. I can show you evidence in the yard. Stop eating them: they are not food!

I don't mind rolling down the window for you when we're in the car. I don't even mind that the air rushing up your nostrils makes you sneeze. What I do mind is that you always pull your head into the car to share your sneeze with the back of my neck. Keep your head out or in, that's all I ask.

Our front door is 3 inches of solid wood: you can't tunnel through it.Stop clawing! Don't we always let you out when you need to go?

The bushes in the back yard cost a lot of money, but nothing of value is hidden under them. Stop digging for buried treasure!

The stuff in the trash can is not your food. Oh and your expression of shocked innocence when we accuse you of dining at the garbage buffet is not nearly as persuasive as the forensic evidence left strewn around the kitchen. Stop blaming the cat: she doesn't eat anything that costs less than a dollar an ounce.

Oh, and speaking of the cat, just because she gets to sleep on the bed doesn't mean that you do too. Did you think that we wouldn't notice all the dog fur on our bedspread when we get home?

And another thing: I do not wake up at the same time every day! On days we don't work we're allowed to sleep past our normal waking time. Stop licking my face because your internal clock says it's time for breakfast. Don't dogs DO weekends?

Look, you make me crazy sometimes, but I suppose I have to admit that even though you're lazy (you probably won't even bother to read this letter) and don't seem very bright, you do have your positive attributes. You're the only one in the family who will get up and pace with me in front of the window when it's past curfew and my teenage daughter is parked in the driveway with her date. You're the only one who likes my cooking, and you share my opinion that we don't need a cat. After nine years of living with you, I suppose my life just wouldn't be the same without you.

Wanna go for a walk?

Your Loving Owner

Previous Page 1     Next Page 3